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109 Best Dark Jokes For Lovers Of Twisted Humor

109 Best Dark Jokes For Lovers Of Twisted Humor

While we all want life to be just peaches and cream, the reality is usually very different. That’s why we need a bit of dark humor or dark jokes to make us laugh.

Dark jokes help us offset the negativity from all the bad news that we’re bombarded with day in and day out.

Regardless of whether you’re worried about the size of the world’s carbon footprint accelerating climate change, to various plagues, famines, and wars, these dark jokes will make you laugh even if just for a moment.

Do note the subject matter of these dark jokes can vary and that some are more twisted than others!

Also, it’s important to keep in mind that what you might consider to be a funny dark humor joke might not be funny at all for other people.

The last thing you want is to use this kind of humor at the workplace for example as that can be a one-way ticket to unemployment.

These are best kept for your friends who like the same dark humor and memes that you do. You might also have some in-laws and elderly relatives who won’t take offense to the punchlines either.

But, even then, you need to know how to deliver them properly without coming off as strange because some of the things that make you laugh might not land well in a specific situation.

The best dark humor jokes are those that can still make people laugh, even if they sound way out of pocket!

With that in mind, here are some of the best doses of dark humor out there.

109 Good Dark Jokes

DISCLAIMER: The content below contains mature language and some potentially disturbing and triggering topics. Read at your own discretion!

Laughing woman in marine shirt with curly hair

1. “Siri, why am I still single?!”

*Siri activates front camera.*

2. Never break someone’s heart. They only have one.

Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.

3. I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

4. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour?

Its butt.

5. I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

I now live in constant fear.

6. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

7. I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

8. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug.

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

9. What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say?

“T-Rex, I’m coming for my hug!”

10. Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

Young beautiful african american girl with an afro hairstyle

11. Did you hear the joke about Dark Matter?

It’s going to swallow us whole one day.

12. The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.

13. What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral?

Nothing.

14. My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

15. I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.

It was impossible to put down.

16. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

17. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

18. What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

You can’t jelly a clown into a tiny car.

19. What’s yellow and can’t swim?

A dead goldfish.

20. You’re not completely useless.

You can always serve as a bad example.

Cute young woman leaning against a white exterior wall

21. Just say NO to drugs! Well, if I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

22. Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”

Doctor: “To the morgue.”

Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”

Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”

23. As kids, we were afraid of the dark. As adults, electricity bills have made us afraid of the light!

24. If at first you don’t succeed… then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

25. An apple a day keeps the doctor away…

Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

26. What’s the difference between a hipster and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers.

27. Did you hear about the Pillsbury Doughboy?

He died of a yeast infection.

28. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?

None. Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate.

29. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

30. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

cute funny lady making winks opening her mouth

31. Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.

For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

32. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic.

I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

33. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

34. My wife and I have come to a difficult decision – we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

35. My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

36. Man: “I work with animals.”

Woman: “That’s so sweet. I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?”

Man: “I work in the butcher shop up the street.”

37. What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

38. You know why I hate The Lion King song “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King”?

If you think about it, it could be called “I Just Can’t Wait for My Dad to Be Killed in a Stampede.”

39. My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

40. My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried — I think she’s jokinvhsohfuohoehasefigfrizgsrizguigegaf

Laughing happy young woman

41. The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies.

They’re always so twisted.

42. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

43. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”

So we stopped playing chess.

44. Why was the leper hockey game canceled?

There was a face-off in the corner.

45. Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

46. When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

47. Today I visited my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

48. They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

49. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

50. I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

Pretty red-haired girl wearing glasses and orange sweatshirt

51. What did the cow say to the leather chair?

“Hi, Mom!”

52. I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never look at me twice.

53. My grief counselor died the other day.

He was so good that I didn’t even care.

54. Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick.

55. My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

56. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my brother.

57. Why do vampires seem sick? They’re always coffin.

58. What does my dad have in common with Nemo?

They both can’t be found.

59. Why are friends a lot like snow?

If you pee on them, they disappear.

60. Why did the mailman die?

Because everybody dies.

smiling young african woman sitting on steps

61. The cemetery is so overcrowded.

People are just dying to get in.

62. My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

63. Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.

I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

64. It’s important to have a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

65. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

66. I don’t have a carbon footprint.

I just drive everywhere.

67. What’s the difference between a dinosaur and a lump of coal?

Sixty million years.

68. My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

69. What rhymes with “boo” and stinks?

You.

70. A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.”

The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?”

The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”

smiling young woman standing outside

71. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

72. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

73. What do you do if you’re ever attacked by a gang of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

74. I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset.

Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

75. I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.

76. I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend”.

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence”.

77. Today was a terrible day. My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus.

And I lost my job as a bus driver!

78. Why can’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

79. I wasn’t close to my father when he died.

Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

80. If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero.

But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!

smiling woman wearing pink sunglasses

81. When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

82. I’d like to have kids one day.

I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

83. A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.”

The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

84. “Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!”

85. What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

86. I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park. It’s not easy though. You try finding thirty-two old guys.

87. A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”

88. What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the dead and a hot vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

89. Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

90. A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.”

“Thanks Dad,” the son says.

The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

cute woman with dark eyes and blonde long hair

91. My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord.

It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.

92. “I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.” – Mitch Hedberg

93. My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

“Usually an overdose, son,” I told him.

94. Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”

“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”

95. I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

96. I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

97. My wife of 60 years told me, “Let’s go upstairs and make love.”

I just sighed and said, “Choose one, I can’t do both.”

98. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

99. Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.

Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

100. “What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student.

The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked.

The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

Happy woman on the beach

101. My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. “She obviously has COVID,” my wife said.

“Why?” I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, “Because she has no taste.”

102. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That’s the punch line.

103. What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

104. I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy.

105. They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.

106. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

107. A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

108. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash.

He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

109. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

In Conclusion

Smiling happy woman outdoors

Unlike stand-up comedy, knock knock jokes, or even dad jokes, dark jokes aren’t meant for all kinds of company. They certainly aren’t meant to be told to kids on Christmas Eve.

An interesting piece of info is that a study conducted in 2017 (published in Cognitive Processing) showed that people who appreciated black humor often had higher IQs.

Even if that may be the case, that’s probably something you shouldn’t brag about in case you accidentally offend someone.

I do hope that some of these jokes will end up lightening the mood on nights out with good friends or when joking around with the older family members.

Just make sure your kids don’t hear them!

References:

• Cognitive Processing. (2017, January 18.) “Cognitive and emotional demands of black humour processing: the role of intelligence, aggressiveness and mood”. SpringerLink website.

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